|Pick My Left Side
September 22nd, 2006 at 10:57pm]
I got a phone call tonight from the Cute Is What We Aim For show in Floirda. Jenn called me. And she handed the phone to Shaant. He told me that he loved me. And we talked for awhile. He said that I need to go to the show up here in Minnesota so I can meet him in person. But I told him I would be out of town and he said we would work something out. I'm sure he was just saying that but whatever. He asked me how I was and I said good. Then I asked him and he said he was tired. I felt like a loser because I never said I love you or anything all that nice. I was just so happy. I was shaking the whole time.
I love Shaant so much. I owe him a lot. He means so much to me.
I better get to come home early from Florida to see this show. I'll die if I don't get to meet him.
Thank you so much Jenn. Honestly. You made my life.
|I got a first class ticket to a night all alone.
September 16th, 2006 at 5:16pm]
School's going well. I guess. It's better. Now that I know who people are. On Thursday I went to the mall with Chad. I had a lot of fun. Pretty sure he had a good time too. I hope so anyway. I was supposed to go to the Toybox to night. Yeah, but according to my parents I didn't need to. So I guess I'm not. I guess I should call Chad because I told him I was going and we were going to hang out. (I think?) This is seriously lame. Ugh. I'm not even really supposed to be on the computer. I don't want to get off though. Tonight looks super boring. I hate it. I guess I could go to Enigma with Laura. I wasn't planning on it because I was going to go to the Toybox. I'd still need a ride to Enigma. So I guess that doesn't work.
I've felt alive lately. No thanks to the people I thought I would be thanking but thanks to those who I thought I wouldn't. Weird how that works. I find it funny anyway. Well. Expect for Jess. She's the only constant thing/person I have. <3
|So pretty much...
September 10th, 2006 at 12:36pm]
I'm limited to ten hours of the computer a week.
It can change though.
According on how nice my parents are feeling. :|
I want to shoot someone in the face.
|Fist Day Of High School
September 6th, 2006 at 4:15pm]
My morning was awful. My sister "didn't mean to sleep in" so I when I got her up she was super pissed off. And of course. She blamed it all on me. So after she got up I was straightening my hair and she pounds on my door and is like "I NEED THE STRAIGHTENER!" So I was like, "Well yeah, I'm using it." So once again. All my fault that she's not ready.
So I go downstairs to eat breakfast. A bowl of cereal. Ehh. So then it's about 6:40 so I mom said it was time for us to go. (My mom drove us to the bus stop because it's 7/10 of a mile away.) Alicia came down stairs and she didn't have her backpack or notebooks or anything. I asked her where her stuff was and she said she wasn't bringing anything. So. Of course. My mom got mad. She starts crying. My mom drives me and Gabor (exchange student) to the bus stop without her. My mom lets us out. Then a few minutes later my dad pulls up with my sister. She causes a scene and yells and screams about how she doesn't want to go. So fucking embarrassing. I hated her right then. So much. Then the bus came. There was like no seats so I sat at the very front. There was water in the seat. :| Alicia sat next to me. And just cried. I wanted to slap her. The whole 10 minute bus ride. She cried. I listened to Fall Out Boy. It let me tune out.
We got at school and got off the bus. Alicia still crying. I told her that she had make up on her cheek and she fucking bitched at me. So I gave up. I went to my locker. After that I had no idea at all what to do. Apparently, you're supposed to go to your locker then to class. It's not like my old school. Where you have about 20 minutes to just hang out before the bell rings. So I was late for first period. Not that it matter, but whatever.
Civics was a blow. My teacher is like 25 and annoying as fuck. We had to make a note card with information about us on it. She asked us questions and we wrote our answers down. Then we turned them in and she would read the answers and the class had to guess whos it was. Pretty cool that I didn't know anyone so no one would guess me. :| And there's so many immature boys and this one fucking annoying girl. I wanted to cut her. OH JESS. One of the questions was, what are a few of your favorite bands? And one boy wrote blink182, Angels and Airwaves, and Plus45. What a douchecake. For real. It made me think of you though. And how much you would hate that kid if you "knew" him. He's so weird. Like, he's good looking and has a kind of scene hair cut, but he like dresses gangster. It was so weird.
Then I had science. My teacher is the exact opposite. He's an old man that could really afford to talk with a little more expression. We got assigned seats and did a stupid "getting to know you" game. I can tell there isn't going to be anyone I like in that class.
Yeah then geometry. My teacher is okay. Most of the class is preps though. The annoying kind. Umm yeah. That class is going to be sososo much fun. :|
Then study hall. I had nothing to do. So I wrote a note to Jess. Which is pretty much what I'm writing now.
Gym. Gym. Gym. I hate gym. End. Of. The. Fucking. Story.
Lunch made me cry. It really did. I sat by myself. Three other girls sat at my table because they couldn't find their other friends. I was just sitting there. It felt so weird. I didn't eat. I tried so hard not to cry. I don't even want to talk about it. It just kills me that it's going to be like this for awhile. Until I meet people. Which isn't going well.
English was okay. I sat in the back. I don't think Mr. Williams is aware of how fucking loud his voice is. He gave me a serious headache and I felt so sick. And yay I have to write a paragraph for homework. :|
Last class was graphic design. I love love love love love love love my teacher. He is so funny. For real. All we did was talking about the rules and when we were done talked some about marketing but I swear. He's so funny. His class is going to be so much fun. Not to mention that there's like 4 hot scene guys in that class. One sits really close to me. He kept looking at me and I was like "omg you're so hot" and he didn't come off as an immature asshole like the a lot of the other kids. And then all the other "scene kids" were total posers. But not him. Hahahaha. Wow. I don't even know his name. And I'm pretty sure he'd never be interested in me.
Then I went home. The bus ride home was so awful. Alicia and I didn't get to sit together. She sat in the empty seat with Josh, out neighbor. Ughh yeah. Gabor. I don't know where he was half the day. But we meet up on the way out to the bus. And I saw Kelise, the only other person I knew, like four times and walked to the bus with her. That was nice. Anyway. I'm the last stop so it takes me like 15 minutes to get to the bus stop. Then another 10 or 15 to talk from the bus stop to my house. This is going to get old fast. So so fast.
|Here's To The Fast Times, The Times We Felt Alive
August 24th, 2006 at 6:40pm]
All Time Low & theAUDITION (I don't give a fuck about the other three bands) August 23rd @ Station 4
I'll skip over the boring parts.
So I went by myself which was kind of awkward because I normally go to shows with my sister but she didn't want to go. I don't blame her though. She doesn't listen to any of the bands that went. So whatever.
All Time Low played first. I wasn't expecting them too but it was okay because I was at the front of the floor because I didn't know when they were playing and I just thought I'd have to wait a set or two to see them but I didn't have to. I had a really good spot though so I'm happy about that. Anyway, they were good. Not as good as I thought they'd be what ehh whatever. They vocals were a little off but no one's perfect. Over all, they put on a really good show and I had a lot of fun. Not a lot of people knew them. So the crowd wasn't bad at all. That was so nice for a change. I felt like one of the few singing. But I was okay with that.
After they played Just Surrender and Over It both had to play and I didn't feel like watching either of them so I left to go look at All Time Low merch. Plus it was so so so so hot where I was. When I got back to their table, Alex and Rian were just hanging out and singing stuff. So I bought a shirt for Ryan from Far Less Gold and got a CD for myself so they could sign it. Then I asked Alex for a picture and he said okay. Since Rian was there too, Alex got his attention for the picture so he turned around it and was in it too. I kind of didn't want him in the picture. Bahahaha. But whatever. Now I have a picture of him. I didn't get any durring their set because from where I was on the floor it was kind of hard seeing the drummer. Anyway. Then I walked away and opened my CD. I didn't want to stand there feeling like a douche trying to open the CD. I was really excited so it took me like honestly, 5 minutes to open it. Then when I went back to the table Rian was gone and just Alex was there. So I asked him to sign my CD and then I left.
Then I had to wait for Just Surrender and Over It to finish their sets. It seemed like forever. I got really bored so I looked back at All Time Low's merch table a lot and once I looked and Jack was there. I was like "dslkfhkdshfsakhdskaohd!" So I asked him to sign my CD. Which....duhh..he did. He kind of broke my jewel case HAHAHA but then he fixed it. He looked so embarrised though. I just wanted to hug him. Then I asked him if I could have a picture and so there merch guy took it, like he did for the picture with Alex and Rian. Oh my gosh. Durring the picture, Jack was sitting down and I was standing up. And the way were were leaning on eachother his hair was like, on my face. And omgggggggg. His. Hair. Smelled. So. Fucking. Good. sdfdasdaksd. Okay, anyway. Then he gave me a high five and I wanted to marry Jack Barakat right then. Okay sorry, teenie moment.
Then I was still bored waiting for theAudition to play.
Okay so after Over It was over everyone like, left the floor. It was weird but I got my spot in the front back. I don't know how but it was awesome. It took them forever to set up. Then they finally played. Wait. Before I go on will someone please tell me what the deal with Danny Stevens is? Everytime he would lean over the crowd all these girls would throw their arms up and try to reach and touch him. I was so confused. I mean, Danny has a nice voice, but I've heard better. And he's good looking, but I mean, it was just so weird. About 2 of those girls swooning over Danny were actually singing. Anyway. That annoyed me. They were really good though. A lot better than I though they would be. Durring the last song Danny jumped off the speakers so he crowd surfed over me. I accidently COUGH touched him in all the wrong places. Cough. That was one of the worst crowds I've ever been in and I wasn't expecting that at all.
So then I left and called my dad so I could go home. I didn't want to watch Amber Pacific. But as I was leaving Zack was at All Time Low's merch table. So for the 4th time I went back and got him to sign my CD. I didn't want to get a picture with him because I was really sweaty and gross and my hair was way messed so. I kind of regret that. I wish I got a picture with him. But whatever. Then I went outside to wait for my ride.
When I was outside theAudition was just hanging out in their van and trailer and stuff so I got to talk to them. Everyone was all over Danny though. Even the guys. Anyway, he thought talking on his sidekick would be better then metting some fans but I finally went up to him and asked him for a picture. He took it himself. He was really nice to me but he just seemed really self centered. Then he signed my ticket. So after that I was just waiting for my dad and the drummer of theAudition just started talking to me. He was so so so so nice. So much nicer than Danny. We were talking about All Time Low cause I had their CD and shirt in my hand. It was cool. So I asked him for a picture and he said sure. We got this girl to take it but she didn't get how to use my camera (wtf?) so when she finally figured out how, we looked awful in the picture because we were laughing. He was like, "Wait let me see it. I think I was making this weird face." His mouth was like completely open. So we wanted to take another one but the girl who took it left so he just said he'd take it himself. It turned out so much better. Then I asked him to sign my ticket but he didn't have a marker. But I said it was okay and he was like "I'm going to find one. I feel like a jerk." So we walked around looking for someone with a marker. Well, I was following him and I felt really awkward. Then he found one and I thanked him and left to go wait. It was weird waiting fot my ride because theAudition was just like.....there. Haha. It was awesome though. No one else seemed to really noticed anyone but Danny. But whatever. Everyone else was cooler than Danny. Way cooler.
And that was my night. My amazing night.
I don't feel like posting the pictures.
Go to myspace if you want to see them.
They are under the lastest blog.
|Kill Me With Words
August 17th, 2006 at 2:49am]
It's nearing 3 in the morning and I'm just sitting here.
On the falloutboyrock message boards.
Listening to All Time Low.
And on myspace.
Hopeing the the hair cut I'm getting tomorrow doesn't turn out like shit.
Tomorrow I'm going to the zoo.
Ughhh yay? I guess.
I need sleep because my brain feels heavy and like it's unwinding.
Not that that made any sense.
I wasn't expecting it to anyway.
I often wonder if he misses how we used to talk.
Because I do.
And I think about it too often.
I miss just being friends.
I miss when you used to IM me and tell me to call you.
I miss you being there as a friend.
I missed the point where you offered being there and point where I told you that I needed you being there.
How do you miss someone so tragic as that?
You'd think I would have it marked on my calendar or something cliche like that.
I don't even know how I can be saying anything like this anymore.
It feels so illegal to even think about you.
You can't imagine what writing about you is like.
But for my sake, darling, please just try.
Try and see it from my side.
Because I know you haven't and that's why in your mind I make no sense at all.
I feel like I'm talking to a deaf.
Or writing these words for a blind to "see."
I have better chances at those two happening then you ever knowing how I feel.
There's no point in bringing up past conversations.
They honestly mean nothing to you now.
See, this is why we don't see eye to eye darling.
They mean the world to me.
Why does that scare you so god damn much?
I need to talk to you.
I need to explain myself.
I feel like I need to open up my life to you.
I don't know why but it's what I want.
I want you to know me like no one else does.
I want you to say that things are okay between us and actually mean it this time.
Because you can't fool me darling.
It's the one thing I always got wrong so by now I've mastered it.
You can't lie to me anymore.
You can't make this up.
We have to want it.
Work for it.
Only, I don't know if you are.
I have no idea where you stand anymore.
August 6th, 2006 at 11:25pm]
I hate my mom.
I fucking hate my life.
I need a change.
I need a friend.
I need someone to talk to.
That is going to understand.
I hate how I'm so alone.
I'm so close to just giving up and leaving.
August 3rd, 2006 at 10:56pm]
I set my hopes too high for this.
I lied to myself.
It seems like that's all I ever do now.
Sleeping as become a challenge for me.
I wake up 4 or 5 times and just look at the clock and wonder why I can't sleep.
There has to be something wrong.
I'm keep getting headaches like they are a good thing.
There's something bottled inside me that needs to get out.
I can't wait until I blow up.
July 27th, 2006 at 7:33pm]
This is an experiment.
Mix a few different chemicals and see what you get.
WARNING WARNING WARNING
No, darling, don't mix those two.
They would never work.
They end up tragic.
Their compositions, chemical make ups, they are so unstable.
But you're dying to know just exactly what will happen when they touch.
They end up tragic.
Just a little won't hurt.
Expose them to each other just long enough to see what might happen but not long enough for a real reaction to take place.
This is an accident.
What would be so wrong with tragedy anyway?
So much in your life has gone wrong.
Maybe this will change things.
How much worse could things get.
Maybe this will shake up your painfully cliche life.
This is a check up.
Five doctors leaning over you on a gurney, all whispering something about your injury.
The lights burn into your eyes but you try to keep them open.
You want to know where you are, you want to know who these people are, what they're saying.
Out of all the chaos running through your mind you manage you hear something about "pulling the plug on her" and "she's not worth it."
You don't even try to listen anymore.
This is open heart surgery.
You wake up and there's more lights.
You feel open, exposed.
Little do you know they are picking you apart.
Making you whole, making you normal again.
Of well, at least, as normal as possible.
They are prying at your heart.
Cutting out ex lovers and permanent heartaches.
This is brain surgery.
They took out your false hopes.
Your painful past.
All the lessons you learned the "hard way."
All of the tough love and cold shoulders.
The a decisions you made for the wrong reasons.
Everything you ever did wrong.
It's all been erased in your mind.
Now you'll never have to think about it.
Now you'll never have those painful haunting memories.
This is the perfect you.
This is your transformation.
This is the perfect you.
This is a funeral.
Life became boring without mistakes.
You longed for heartaches and pain.
Something to break the routine.
Something to make you feel real.
Life became a joke.
It was something you dreaded doing every morning when you woke up.
WARNING WARNING WARNING
No, darling, don't mix those two.
They would never work.
They end up tragic.
|Project: Bad Habit
July 16th, 2006 at 1:37am]
I hate this feeling I get late at night.
I feel like I have no one.
I'm so alone even when there are 3 other people in this house.
I can't live with myself because of the things I have done.
They eat away at my brain.
It will become nothing until in finally dissapears.
Look at this mess that I've made.
Look at what I can hardly call a life.
Take a good look at it and tell me if it was ever worth it.
Between all the "I'm sorry"s and "I know better"s I lost my heart.
How often could I really mean them?
All the time is the best answer.
Almost never is the real answer.
If I was completely honest with you, would you be completely honest with me back?
Because you've been known to hide your feelings and lie to me.
Please, baby, break the habit.
(Since when do I get off calling you baby?)
It amazes me how you live with yourself.
It's something I'll never understand.
Tell me, tell me.
Oh just please tell me how you do it.
Tell me about how lying is more like a routine than a bad habit for you.
Routine is hard to break.
I know that better than you ever will.
Not that I ever really could.
I don't want you to tell me what I want to hear.
I want you to tell me exactly what I don't want to hear.
Only then I'll know that it's the truth.
July 8th, 2006 at 12:30am]
I'm selling headaches for $9.99.
I'm selling myself short.
Shorter than I (n)ever planned.
I could repeat myself
I could repeat myself
I could repeat myself
And still you'd never get it.
You're too focused on what you want.
It's all anyone wants.
I can't blame everyone though.
I don't feel the need to anyway.
I just need to blame you.
Because all I know is that as much as I repeat myself
You'll never hear a word I say.
Leaving someone hanging is the worst and best thing you can do.
Best if you're in for something good.
Worst if you aren't.
I want one of those relationships you see in the movies.
Don't pretend like you don't know.
Every action has a reaction.
Every good has a bad.
Every heart has the ability to break.
Mine's only been beaten up a few good times.
'Do you love me?
Baby, do you really love me?'
July 8th, 2006 at 12:04am]
Kerri told me to write my feelings out.
So here I am trying to express how I feel with words.
Wow. I've just been sitting here.
I watching the cursor blink.
I have no idea how to say this.
I'm so dissapointed with myself.
No no no.
This isn't comming out the way I wanted it to.
Fuck fuck fuck it.
I give up.
I'll never be the person I want to.
July 1st, 2006 at 11:31am]
Let's go back a few days.
No, no, last week.
I was at June rally.
Oh lord, June rally, June rally, June rally.
So happy to be leaving the next day.
At about this time, maybe before, we were having our heart talk.
I held back from saying the important things.
You know, the things that really matter.
The secrets that aren't meant to be told.
Those kinds of things.
That kind of drama.
Who needs to know, honestly?
I have everything under control.
Reading my love notes made me cry.
Maybe it was because we were leaving, and maybe it was because my sister wanted to sit with Zack on the bus and not me.
I just don't even know.
But I cried.
Brandon came on the bus and saw me crying.
He held my hand and just smiled.
I felt like a pussy.
He probably thought I was crying because we were leaving.
I was crying because my own fucking sister would not sit with me for the 14 hour bus ride home.
I cried hard.
I have no idea why I got so emotional.
I love everyone at rally.
They are so real.
Comming home felt like stepping into the real world.
And as much as I didn't want to, I had to.
I had no choice.
It had to end.
I just don't understand why everyone can't always be like that.
I don't understand how some people are never like that.
I feel like everyone is fake.
I am fake.
Oh so fucking fake.
And I cannot stand it.
This past week has been so dead.
I have felt so dead.
I only look forward to going to Y.O.U. on Wednesdays and hanging out with kids from Y.O.U.
I feel weird.
Nothing satifies me.
Nothing can make me truly happy anymore.
I wish I could be writing something more exciting.
Something filled with emotion and power.
Something that will move you.
I have been trying to do that since I got home from rally.
It just won't come out.
I feel like my vocabulary is too small, too immature.
I think I'll go read the dictionary.
June 29th, 2006 at 11:49am]
It's been awhile.
Mike and I made up.
He came to me so it wasn't so bad.
Real entry soon.
|Oh Goodness Me
June 19th, 2006 at 3:59pm]
On Saturday I went to go see A Violet Desire at the Garage just like I said I would.
I had a pretty fun time.
Was just chillin with Kate, Liv, Emily and Alicia before they played.
Kyle was there.
I didn't notice him until half of AVDs set was over.
I know that he saw me but pretended not to.
You know how that is.
When you see someone that you could really care less about talking to.
I know how it is anyway.
I had just told Alicia about what was going on between him and I.
How we never talk anymore and that he has some problem with me.
So she told me that she was going to talk to him.
It took her forever but she did talk to him finally.
She asked him if he had a problem with me and he said no.
Then shes was like, "Well you deleted her off your myspace.."
And he said that he delete a lot of people and that he hasn't been online in a long time.
Then he asked her if I was there, as if he didn't see me, and she told him yes.
So he told her that he would come say hi.
So awhile later Kyle, Kurt, and Nate come up to me while I'm sitting outside on a pinic table.
Kyle gives me a hug and Kurt and Nate join from the back.
Weirdest hug ever.
Most uncomfortable hug ever.
Then Kyle starts asking me how I am, and saying things about how he is never online anymore and that I need to give him my address so he can send me Release The Bats back.
Then like 3 minutes later he says bye and they all go home, I guess.
I guess that I felt a lot better but still there was something in the way.
Nothing was right between us.
I was just happy to have talked to him.
Then last night I was talking to Mike.
I have no idea what happend and I don't really want to go into detail and explain how we started talking about this.
So long story a little shorter:
"Kyle is annoyed with me and scared of me.
Because I obsess over him and treat him like a god.
And tell him things like 'You're the best person ever.'"
Shit like that.
Oh my god, I guess that means that because I'm writing this about him that I fucking obsess over him.
Like I stalk him or something.
Because, that's so true.
I just fucking love him so much.
I'm not really ready to talk about how I feel and what I think.
All I'm going to say is that Mike and Kyle, you're wrong.